SOLUTIONS IN SEARCH OF PROBLEMS
Some cranky responses to advertising revelations
More and more, as I watch television commercials, I am led to wonder if, as some have said, “Everything has been invented; nothing new is needed.” I see advertisements for new products addressed to problems we have not been aware needed solving. A few examples:
Boost oxygen. A can of oxygen you can suck on when you feel you need to recover from exertion. Suggested by seeing football players getting hits of oxygen on the sidelines between plays. Reminded me of when we were first offered water in bottles to replace our faucets and garden hoses (yes, that’s how old I am). “What next,” I thought seventy-five years ago. “Bottled air?” Took a while, but here we are...
Snug plug. I’m not sure how many of you are afflicted by electrical plugs falling out of sockets regularly, but this has not been on the top of my list of inconveniences. I more often have difficulty extracting a plug from a socket it is stuck in...
Blue Chew. Messages tell me that I can no longer live without this, but do not reveal what it is or what it cures. I have to assume the brief (hence inexpensive) ad is meant to get us to go online to find out what this is. Alas, I have not, and remain unenlightened.
Toenail fungus cures. After years of suffering occasional toenail aggravation, and trying touted cures that proved ineffective, I now see three or four competing potions, each offering money-back guarantees and impressive after photos, where previously only before picture were shown. Does this mean there is now a miracle cure that several companies have access to? Too bad, my toenails are currently fine…
I am noticing a continuing influx of new medicines, each of which relieves a condition I didn’t know I had (this has been going on since they invented halitosis), and each of which contains an unpronounceable ingredient and therefore is given a catchy (though still unpronounceable) name. It reminds me of one of my favorite cartoons from years past, depicting one man standing in front of a board meeting and asking, “So, shall we advertise that our new product has no frammistan, or shall we say that it has more frammistan than any of the competition?”
Medical Emergency Kit. This is not merely a First Aid Kit—this contains medicines selected by actual doctors for various ailments. Unfortunately, you have to self-diagnose your current condition, without a medical degree, and decide for yourself which of these meds the doctor would have told you to take. I also always assume that when I can “save 45%--or $45--” I can’t afford the remaining price. (I looked this one up on the Net and I was right...)
Memory Enhancing Supplements—plenty of choices here. I am especially intrigued by the one that celebrates that its key ingredient was found in jellyfish, which has caused me to wonder what it is a jellyfish has to remember? (But then, I always wondered what it is that “an elephant never forgets,” and how do we know?)
Magnetic eyeglasses! Here’s a new one—these glasses are held together by magnets in the nose piece, allowing you to disconnect the two halves, lower them to your chest, and reconnect them as they hang handily in place by a librarian-style necklace. And do this in reverse to replace them on your nose when you need to look at something. My question: can you not do the same thing without the magnets as long as you have the neck strap? And how do you maneuver them if you don’t have a strap? Can you lose half of your eyeglasses?
Weight loss supplement: actors claim “some lost over 46 lbs!” I assume that specific number is meant to be more believable, but I have to wonder. How many is “some”: two, three, six? And how much over 46: one pound each? Between one and three, or five, or…
This reminds me to be cautious of any offer that provides, costs, or saves “up to” some amount.
And of course, “a fraction of competitors’ costs”: 15/16 is a fraction. So is 125/100.
Under the general heading of Mark Twain’s lies, damned lies, and statistics,: I once introduced a new product to a sales staff with a gag chart showing zero sales for the three preceding years and a stratospheric increase this year. That impressive vertical line could have indicated sales of anywhere from one unit to a million--always check the scale of the vertical axis...
Replacement windows: “buy one, get the 2nd at 40% off—with purchase of 4.” Does this really mean you have to buy 4, not 2, to get one at the discount, or is #4 also 40% off. If I needed new windows, I’d ask.
“A majority of patients are still healed, lighter, or happy after 5 years”: is this majority a bare 51%, or some more impressive number?
I am on the edge of my chair (in front of the TV), eager to see what new wonders are invented by modern technology...or by the advertising industry…