DURANG’S LAWS OF MOTION
Socio-physical reasons you can’t get there from here.
I am given to understand that persons named Newton and Kepler became quite famous for their “Laws of Motion.” I have looked these up and discovered that they may be true, and of great scientific value, but are well-nigh useless to most of us in our efforts to develop any effective motion of our own..
Here, then, is an effort to help the Man in the Street to get on to the next street. I give you Durang’s Laws of Motion. They will not help you get anywhere, but will help you understand why you can’t get anywhere, which is the next best thing.
1. The Law of Inevitable Collision: Persons will lurch into your path at the last possible moment, eliminating any chance for avoiding the collision.
Note: This tendency is absolute and does not vary with space and time. That is, Mrs. Bienstock, standing in the doorway of the butcher shop chatting, will suddenly wheel and crash into you, no matter how wide the sidewalk nor how long it takes you to approach her with each of you in full sight of the other.
Another note: This is similar to, but not exactly like, the Pedestrian’s Dance, wherein two persons, attempting to pass each other when they meet on the sidewalk, both step in the same direction, then the other direction, and finally collide.
Still another note: It also accounts for why two vehicles meeting at an uncontrolled intersection in the middle of nowhere will speed up and slow down until they make contact, despite being the only two vehicles to arrive at that intersection in a month.
2. The Law of Inverse Haste: Persons or vehicles traversing a narrow passageway will be arranged in inverse order of desired speed.
Note: this applies to humans negotiating a staircase, vehicles on a winding one-lane road, or dogs chasing a rabbit down a wooded path.
3. The Traffic Law: Persons incapable of correctly operating a motor vehicle will do so to your immediate front.
Note: It took years of research and a blinding flash of insight before finding a single Traffic Law that covered all the various vehicular blunders, whimsies and aggravations committed by (other) drivers. Specific instances have been recorded by many other researchers and are far too numerous to be quoted here.
4. The Law of Inverse Probability: The likelihood of a person or object being in a given location varies inversely with the distance that must be traveled to look there.
Corollary: The likelihood of such person or object being in Location A becomes absolute with the decision to look first in Location B.
5. The Law of Last Entry: The only unlocked means of entrance to a location will be the last one tried.
Note: This is not a restatement of “it’s in the last place you look,” which is of course true because then you stop looking. This Law means you try every locked door or gate before you try the unlocked one.
Corollary: You will try every incorrect method first; that is, you will push, then pull, and only then discover that what you have is a sliding door.
6. The Law of Lines: The line you are in will move most slowly.
Corollary: If you change lines, the line you changed into will become slowest.
7. The Law of Efficient Obstacles: Obstacles to your progress exist only so long as they actually impede you, and miraculously dissolve afterwards. There is never a traffic jam visible in your rear-view mirror.
8. The Law of Maximum Distance: This law accounts for why your airplane always arrives at and leaves from the last gate (research needs to be done on who are all those people standing at the other gates; my suspicion is that they are models hired by the airlines to stand there).
I hope the foregoing will help you to stay calm in those inevitable momemts when you, too, have difficulty in getting anywhere. Look around—I’m probably right beside (or behind) you. And feel free to print this, fold it up and carry it everywhere, especially when that is not where you wanted to be…