Aphorisms for Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

I received this from my pal Dave Sullivan back in 2002…

1. Save the whales! Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like...night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. If you have trouble tuning a guitar, tuna fish instead.

6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

7. He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.

8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

9. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

12. I plan to live forever. So far, so good.

13. Borrow money from a pessimist—they don’t expect it back.

14. Quantum mechanics: the dreams stuff is made of.

15. Support bacteria—the only culture some people have.

16. When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

17. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

18. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

19. Never do card tricks for the group you play ;poker with.

20. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

21. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

22. Two wrongs are only the beginning.

23. The problem with the gene pool is there is no lifeguard.

24. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a faulty memory.

25. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

26. Get a new car for your spouse—it’ll be a great trade.

27. Always be modest—and be proud of it.

28. Do you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

29. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

30. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.